I believed as a new wife at 21 I wasn’t good enough; I believed I didn’t belong in my home either, and for 10 years I focused on toxic people, forging a career in an industry that wasn’t suitable for my strengths and the negative thoughts that almost destroyed me.
As someone who finds fulfilment in helping others, I focused far too much on how I could fit in, how I could best be of service to others, and all the reasons I wasn’t quite good enough yet. And so over time, my boundaries blurred, people took advantage and the cycle generated a sense of denial and meant I drifted through my own life as though I was a back seat driver.
Eventually, I forgot about my aspirations, the positive ways I could contribute and the things that I loved to do. I forgot all the reasons I was good enough.
But a saying I learned from an esteemed member on the New Leaf Wellbeing College Peer Pathway Workshops resonates with me here: “you cannot pour from an empty cup.” Since I find fulfilment in servicing others, I have finally learned recovery is replenishing my own cup first. And this has actually worked.
In evaluating where I am now since I started my recovery journey, I’ve come a long way. I have forgiven myself for being lost for all of this time. I have forgiven those that pushed my boundaries, and I have forgiven myself for not setting them in the first place. I have learned that it is my responsibility to use my skills, goals and values to create my own contentment. To focus not on what is going on around me, but what is going on within me. I’ve learned that my thoughts, opinions and beliefs can change, and it is those changes that shape how positive I feel and how I contribute positively to the lives of others.
As a result, I’ve conquered a fear and I’ve started a new job. I’ve gone from complete dependency on someone else to lone traveller across the globe. I’ve rediscovered my love of writing and music. I’ve started new hobbies and have better control of my own emotions. Better still, I’ve joined the Peer Pathway so I can learn how to support others on their own recovery journey and soon, I’m going to be volunteering with the NHS too.
We have only done two workshops so far, but I especially found the topic of the meaning of recovery enlightening. For me, it means: “I’m rebuilding my life. I’m making sense of what happened, accepting who I am now and I am in the process of discovering new possibilities. I’m growing within and am changing my attitudes, values, goals and skills to ensure I contribute to my own life and the life of others in a positive way.”
It’s an interesting topic, and one I would recommend exploring for yourself. Especially if you’re trying to identify who you are or deciding what your next steps should be. So I ask, what does recovery mean to you?