My name is Helen and anxiety is my thing!

My recovery started when I realised that I was putting the rope and chain prison around myself.  I mistakenly believed that if I locked myself away and removed the outside influences that things would magically get better......how wrong I was.

I often think, to tell a story an analogy can help get the point across......

I think most, if not all, of you will have heard of ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’, and maybe seen the bush tucker trials.  These are where they shut a contestant in with creepy crawlies whilst they attempt to find gold stars in exchange for food.

Well that was me, incredibly anxious, terrified of ‘stuff’ and shut in my ‘safe place’ (usually my home or car).  Things like leaving the house, going shopping, meeting friends, work etc. were, and sometimes still are, my creepy crawlies.  I long to run and hide from them but thanks to CBT from the 'As One' service, parkrun, and numerous courses via Newleaf College I now recognise that it is far more productive to face those beasties and claim the gold star.  By no means am I saying that this is an easy thing to do, but I have learnt to break things down into far smaller, more manageable chunks.  Step by step, day by day, I would set a small target. Starting by walking my dog to the end of the road and back, avoiding all eye contact with anyone I would pass......And I would think “Oh dear god, I do not want anyone to speak to me”, as that could generate conflict and a need to run away.  Once comfortable with this, I progressed to going around the block, and then bravely met my best friend to walk our dogs together.  Before I realised, there were no dogs and we met for a coffee!  Slowly but surely each rope and chain around my self-created prison was untied or unlocked. Some of the knots were far tougher than others, but with support I continued this escape from my over imaginative mind, slowly realising that meeting for a coffee was not a creepy crawly but WAS actually the gold star!

My lizard brain still has many moments where it tries to re-tie those ropes and put a new and different padlock on, my mind races at a million miles an hour.....telling me to keep safe, to shut myself away....but I am now strong enough to resist this.  I now have ‘great’ days and ‘good’ days and these now outnumber the ‘bad’ days and the ‘dark’ days.

I am thankful now for the things this ‘journey’ has given me.

I can now stand my ground calmly and assertively when faced with conflict.  I have discovered new outlets (intellectual, active and creative) and most importantly I have met many new people who have enriched my life and eased this journey in ways they will never know.

The last thing I would like to say is to the lovely Student development co-ordinator ......I don’t think I have ever mentioned to this group about my fear of writing!  I can’t write, I don’t write.....I am a speaker!  This assignment was a massive creepy crawly and was literally started 30 mins before the session in the adjoining cafe.....I’m hoping it will actually be a gold star